What I know about this movie: the girl from Scott Pilgrim, John Goodman, and love of my life John Gallagher Jr. are trapped in an underground bunker for some reason. I think John Goodman is maybe a crazy kidnapper re: the Reverend in the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt? I’m very unsure about how I’ll feel about this movie. I saw the first Cloverfield movie but I don’t know how they’re connected. Things I like: John Gallagher Jr. Things I don’t like: scary movies. So we’ll see.

My impressions:

00:03:11 – So far there’s just a lot of serious music while Ramona from Scott Pilgrim gathers her stuff while stressing.

00:04:17 – Someone named Ben keeps calling her. Take a hint, Ben!

00:07:00 – Oh shit, she woke up strapped to a wall in an underground bunker. This is my nightmare.

00:08:29 – She’s a very good actress.

00:09:30 – She thought of a good plan to get her phone but obviously there’s no service in this underground concrete room.

00:12:31 – Excuse me, where is John Gallagher Jr.? He’s the whole reason I’m watching this stressful movie.

00:13:44 – She’s so resilient with her crutch weapon and now setting a fire in the vents.

00:14:10 – Is that the word I’m looking for? Resilient? Where you can make stuff out of other stuff?

00:14:44 – He gave her a scary big needle to knock her unconscious. My other nightmare.

00:15:44 – John Goodman is terrible at explaining things.

00:16:50 – Also he’s clearly crazy.

00:18:20 – “Everyone outside of here is dead.” You could have led with that, John Goodman.

00:18:37 – Where is John Gallagher Jr.?? I need to see his cute beautiful face to make me feel better about all this apocalyptic nonsense.

00:20:01 – Yay, there he is! Look at those arms.

00:21:07 – He has such a perfect face. Everything is okay now.

00:23:12 – John Goodman is doing a great job of being creepy af.

00:25:11 – Because this was made by JJ Abrams, I’m pretty sure that there actually was a nuclear disaster outside and that John Goodman isn’t just making it up, but also I feel strongly that he is a crazy person.

00:27:11 – Ew gross the pigs got all nucleared.

00:27:33 – He hit her car! He kidnapped her! Maybe he planted the pigs. Maybe things really are fine outside but that doesn’t seem very JJ Abrams.

00:31:08 – I like that John Gallagher Jr. is not overdoing his fake Southern accent. So many people would go way over the top with it, but not him, he’s perfect.

00:33:33 – Who is this Megan girl he’s trying to turn her into?

00:34:12 – I think John Gallagher Jr. might be too simple to be a good ally.

00:36:45 – Crazy John Goodman does not appreciate JGJ and his perfect facial hair.

00:38:32 – Ohhhh she flirted with JGJ to make bad John freak out so she could try and steal the keys! She is so smart.

00:41:02 – Oh God oh God she’s trying to escape.

00:41:51 – Oh nooo there’s a nuclear fallout woman there, she’s freaking out.

00:44:24 – “I know I seem like a sensible guy.” Hahaha.

00:47:37 – Ew gross she’s giving him stitches.

00:50:23 – JGJ is a fast runner, maybe this is how he’ll be of use to her.

00:54:44 – Musical montage of them all having a good time in the bunker.

00:58:45 – Crawling through vents seems like the worst.

01:00:33 – She found a skylight and I’m watching it on mute because something scary is probably going to happen.

01:00:5 – Ahh god someone scratched Help.

01:01:34 – What did he do to Megan??

01:02:12 – He kidnapped some girl and pretended it was his daughter!!!

01:07:22 – Ah apparently the word I was looking for earlier was resourceful. Not resilient. My bad.

01:09:24 – Oh shit they’re playing this game and John Goodman can’t figure out that Michelle is a woman, he’s guessing “girl, child, princess.” What an interesting look into his psyche!

01:12:13 – I’m very worried for the safety of John Gallagher Jr.

01:12:45 – Uh oh, a vat of acid has been brought into play. That can’t be good.

01:33:33 – If JGJ gets pushed into acid I’m going to lose my mind.

01:15:18 – OH NOOOOOO John Gallagher Jr. is dead (spoiler alert, I don’t even care) my poor baby. This movie is terrible.

01:18:02 – JGJ had saved his bus ticket from so many years ago, so sad.

01:19:32 – Oh no he’s found her Hazmat suit.

01:21:07 – Oh God she pushed him in the acid and now he’s all burned up but still alive.

01:22:05 – Oh no he’s sticking a knife through the vent while she crawls, why doesn’t he die??

01:25:08 – She’s outside and getting into his truck but she’s already ripped her suit.

01:26:09 – There’s geese. Everything seems okay.

01:28:03 – There’s a spaceship (?) and it saw the bunker explosion so now it’s coming to get her.

01:30:12 – Oh shit an alien is eating her car maybe.

01:31:07 – Gross gross gross. Why is it always monsters or aliens with JJ Abrams? Just give us a fun time for once, man.

01:33:45 – She’s making a bomb with the alcohol, she’s so smart. I would not be like this at all in a high-pressure alien situation. I would have laid down and allowed myself to be abducted long ago.

01:36:59 – Oh good, there are a bunch of survivors that she can hopefully go find.

01:37:29 – But there’s a spaceship right there so I don’t know.

01:37:36 – And now it’s over. Stupid JJ Abrams.

Final thoughts:

giphy1

 

This movie was scary, but like creepy scary. John Goodman played a really good psychopath. The acting was good all around, and while it wasn’t necessarily my type of movie I have very few criticisms. Grade: 8/10

P.S. If you haven’t seen Short Term 12, watch it! It’s one of the best movies I’ve ever seen and John Gallagher Jr. is amazing in it (and bonus, he doesn’t get shot in the head). I won’t review it for this blog because I wouldn’t have a single critical thing to say about it.