I’m meant to be having an Internet-free vacation right now but I couldn’t disappoint all four of my followers so I am currently stealing our neighbour’s wifi. I decided to watch Rise of the Planet of the Apes, which I have decent hopes for. For some reason I saw Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, the sequel, in theatres, and thought it was alright even though I didn’t fully understand what was going on. Typically I like the first movie in a series the best (eg. The Fellowship of the Ring, The Hunger Games) so we’ll see if that holds for this movie. What I know about it beforehand: James Franco is in it, the apes clearly take over the world based on what happened in the second movie.

My impressions:

00:01:39 – Man, these apes look super realistic. Are they completely animated?

00:02:30 – Aww a bunch of them got captured. Stupid humans.

00:04:16 – I don’t fully believe James Franco as a scientist.

00:05:56 – This intelligence booster is making the ape very angry.

00:07:03 – “There are absolutely no side effects” he says as the ape terrorizes the building.

00:07:57 – They shot the ape! Mean.

00:10:01 – Aww no and she was pregnant too. Now James Franco has a pet ape.

00:11:33 – Oh no, James Franco’s dad who has Alzheimer’s lives with him, that’s why he is trying to cure it. This movie is so sad already.

00:14:05 – The baby ape is really smart because his Mom was injected with the stuff.

00:15:09 – This movie is going to be so sad, isn’t it?

00:16:26 – Oh my God, is he going to give his Dad the drug? It will make him so violent! No, James Franco!

00:19:36 – Aww Caesar just wants to play with the other kids and this guy with the baseball bat was so mean to him! This movie is devastating.

00:20:28 – Oh man I bet this beautiful vet lady is James Franco’s love interest.

00:21:22 – Caesar is wingmanning him!

00:22:20 – How did they make this movie? It’s such a realistic looking ape.

00:23:49 – I just looked it up and Caesar is Andy Serkis. Of course.

00:26:58 – Aww Caesar saw a dog on a leash and now he’s questioning his identity.

00:29:57 – Oh nooo his Dad is deteriorating again.

00:31:30 – John Lithgow is such a good actor.

00:31:39 – The neighbour is such a dick, I hope he dies.

00:32:30 – This neighbour deserves all the punches that Caesar is giving him but I feel like this is not going to end well.

00:33:28 – Now Caesar is cuddling with John Lithgow and he’s all upset. This is literally so sad I’m going to lose it.

00:35:11 – Draco Malfoy, what are you doing here??

00:35:58 – Oh God Caesar doesn’t like it in the primate enclosure, he’s so upset! I hate this.

00:37:25 – Why is Malfoy such a giant douchebag? Is this the only role he can play?

00:41:09 – James Franco’s boss came around weirdly fast about this new drug.

00:42:19 – Malfoy is abusive and terrible and also I never realized what a horrific actor he was.

00:43:04 – Caesar drew his window from home, oh God this so so sad.

00:45:16 – Uh oh, Franco’s assistant has been infected. He’s gonna get super smart and evil.

00:46:12 – Caesar wants to play and no one will play with him. Crying.

00:46:51 – Why are the other apes bullying Caesar??

00:48:30 – Uh oh, the assistant is sneezing blood.

00:50:38 – Oh good, James Franco realizes that Malfoy is a crumbbutt.

00:51:09 – Caesar asked him to take him home noooo.

00:53:53 – I like to think that Malfoy is an unrealistically evil character but there are real people out there who horrifically abuse animals so I guess it’s not too far from the truth. Same with people like the neighbour who would yell at someone with Alzheimer’s. Sadly they do exist and it hurts my heart.

00:58:12 – His Dad doesn’t want any more treatment so sad.

00:58:48 – AND NOW HIS DAD IS DEAD.

01:00:35 – His boss sucks. So many people in this movie suck.

01:01:31 – Oh good, the assistant just infected the terrible neighbour. Again, I feel like this is going to have long-term consequences but for now it’s satisfying.

01:02:39 – Caesar doesn’t want to go home with James Franco oh noooo.

01:04:11 – Caesar’s figured out how to release all the other apes.

01:07:04 – Ahh he broke into James Franco’s house and is watching him sleep, he’s like an ape Edward Cullen.

01:08:20 – He’s making all the apes smart!

01:11:08 – Yep the assistant is super dead.

01:12:05 – Oh God Tom Felton is such a bad actor.

01:13:09 – Oh he said the line from the original movie but it was horrendously delivered.

01:13:30 – Caesar is speaking now.

01:15:00 – Malfoy got electrocuted, good riddance. That’s what you get for being a Death Eater!

01:16:10 – The apes are loose! They’re going to take over the city! They deserve this.

01:17:42 – I see, all the news stuff about space exploration is setting up how humans leave the planet and then come back in the original Planet of the Apes? I think?

01:20:29 – The boss guy is trying to escape in a helicopter but just like in Jurassic Park, me thinks this will not save him.

01:24:53 – San Francisco was an awesome choice of setting for this movie. Everything looks so cool happening on the misty Golden Gate Bridge.

01:26:44 – Ape vs. horse!!!

01:30:40 – Whoa shit, that ape jumped right onto the helicopter!! This action sequence is crazy.

01:33:30 – Oh good, the bossman is dead. Everyone gets their comeuppance in this movie!

01:37:55 – I was so sure the bonobo (?) was going to die because it was nice. Pleasant surprise that its still alive.

01:38:34 – So now the shitty neighbour is going to infect everyone in the world and they’re all going to die except for a few. So James Franco and Caesar had that touching moment for nothing because James Franco and his lovely girlfriend will soon be dead. What an ending! It’s just like The Stand but with apes.

Final thoughts:

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Overall this was a great movie but it loses points for being so sad I wanted to die. It was really relevant, I enjoyed the commentary about human beings suffering consequences if they are terrible to animals. I read this super great book recently called “Are We Smart Enough to Know How Smart Animals Are?” This movie called back to that book a lot. I’d recommend it to all four of my followers. Also I’d recommend this BBC documentary about Koko the gorilla who knows sign language. They are so smart! So much better than people. Final score: 8.5/10

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