I’m pretty sure I’m not going to like this movie. I don’t care about fast cars or Vin Diesel, and when I went on the Universal Studios tour I thought the Fast and the Furious section was pretty lame. But you never know! Maybe it will surprise me. What I know about it beforehand: they race cars down the street and stuff, one of the movies takes place in Tokyo, Ana Lucia from Lost is in them. Also, when I was in Cuba last year they were filming one of the movies but I didn’t go look for any of the actors because I didn’t care.

My impressions:

00:01:56 – There is a car attaching itself to a truck and now someone is beating someone else up.

00:03:33 – Now a different car is being driven fast, this time by Paul Walker. This movie doesn’t seem to have dialogue, just car noises.

00:04:08 – LA looks like a hellhole.

00:05:14 – There’s Vin Diesel. He’s making serious eye contact with Paul Walker. Are they father and son in this?

00:05:37 – Some new fast cars are approaching. Is there going to be a race?

00:06:03 – There’s Ana Lucia. I hate how she always has her mouth hanging open.

00:06:48 – All these white people are talking like gangsters.

00:07:17 – They’re all obsessed with this skinny waitress and also they’re all very sweaty.

00:09:16 – This movie definitely promotes unsafe driving.

00:10:09 – A whole lot of drama has started because Paul Walker flirted with this waitress.

00:13:13 – “Meow. I smell skanks.” Geez Ana Lucia, stop being so rude.

00:15:15 – Okay Paul Walker bet his car, I guess in a race?

00:15:47 – Bare midriffs are heavily featured in this movie.

00:19:05 – Paul Walker is losing but he told himself he was going to win so he must come from behind.

00:22:35 – Vin Diesel is trash talking Paul Walker and everyone in the crowd is like “oooohhhh burn.”

00:24:30 – Uh oh, the popo!

00:26:17 – Geez Vin Diesel is a terrible actor.

00:28:42 – This Asian biker gang seems to be antagonistic.

00:33:50 – Vin Diesel took Paul Walker to a party where everybody hates Paul Walker and he was like ‘no worries bro, I’ll keep you safe’ but then he disappeared upstairs to have sex with his girlfriend and then everyone wanted to beat Paul Walker up.

00:35:46 – Paul Walker got arrested and taken to a mansion with a pool. It’s unclear to me why.

00:36:12 – Oh hey, he’s an undercover police officer! I did not know this twist.

00:41:18 – Paul Walker’s romantic rival is wearing a mesh tank top in this scene.

00:48:59 – Okay I’m really confused about what’s happening because I’m having trouble paying attention because it’s so boring. Vin Diesel is like “what are you doing here?” and Paul Walker is like “I owe you a car, something something about nozzles”

00:49:46 – His romantic rival suspects him of being a cop but he shook his head no so everyone seems cool about it.

00:52:12 – The Asian gang have taken someone hostage and they’re like “Why aren’t our cars fast enough? It’s your fault.”

00:54:40 – A fellow police officer said something about Paul Walker’s waitress crush so Paul Walker attacked him. Reasonable.

00:56:08 – Vin Diesel: “I wanna show you something.” It’s another car, great.

00:57:21 – Vin Diesel’s delivery about his Dad’s death is the most unbelievably wooden thing I’ve ever heard.

01:00:47 – Paul is in the car with his love interest and she’s speeding and being very irresponsible.

01:05:49 – His police colleagues think Vin Diesel is a bad guy but Paul Walker is like “aww no, he’s my buddy.”

01:07:00 – Some guy was rude to Paul Walker so now he’s racing him to show him who’s boss. They are racing through traffic which seems INCREDIBLY DANGEROUS.

01:09:58 – Ah yes, more half naked girls. This movie sucks butt, when is it over?

01:11:54 – They’re racing cars again but at least this time it’s on a track.

01:13:11 – Oh wow look how fast the cars go. So interesting. So exciting.

01:16:33 – Ruh roh he just revealed his police identity to his gf and she maaaaad.

01:18:15 – Oh good she’s over it already.

01:22:07 – Okay Vin Diesel and his friends are hijacking a truck. I guess that’s what was happening at the beginning of the movie. So they take the big engines from the trucks and then put them in regular cars to make them go fast? I guess?

01:24:47 – Update: they are driving very fast and I am very bored.

01:26:11 – Paul Walker is climbing out of a moving car to rescue his former romantic rival from being stuck on a truck he was trying to steal. My emotional investment in the outcome is currently 0%.

01:28:07 – Paul Walker just blew his cover to save mesh tank top man. Vin Diesel is not happy.

01:31:40 – Uh oh, the Asian gang came by and they shot the kid who is bad at racing.

01:33:46 – Guess what’s happening now. Here’s a hint, it’s a car chase.

01:36:11 – What’s happening now in the movie is, some cars are driving very fast down the street.

01:37:10 – They just drove in front of a train and almost died. Why. What was the point?

01:39:16 – Paul Walker let’s Vin Diesel have his car so he can escape the police. I guess there’s no ramifications for being a thief and putting everyone he knows in danger. Also he got over that teenager dying real quick. That’s nice for him.

Final thoughts:

parks-and-recreation-jean-ralphio-the-worst-worst-woooorst-1372637673p

Yawn. This movie was as much of a snooze as I expected. Cars are boring, they are just big hunks of metal that go “vroom vroom.” No character intrigued me in any way. It also promoted dangerous driving and irresponsibility which are not my favourite themes. Only good thing about the movie: Paul Walker’s baby blues. Final score: 2/10.