I’ve never seen any of the X-Mens! Not one! I know so little about them. I like James McAvoy though (and Jennifer Lawrence but I don’t think she’s in this one). Now let’s learn about some superpowers and evil aliens and whatever else these movies may or may not be about.

My impressions:

00:00:12 – I can’t hear the 20th Century Fox theme without thinking of this hilarious flute cover

00:02:10 – The fun has already started with a Holocaust flashback.

00:04:51 – Oh hey it’s that actress with the gap tooth, what’s her name. She’s apparently in this.

00:05:15 – Anna Paquin. I looked up “gap tooth actress” and she was the first result.

00:06:02 – What is her superpower? That she touches people and they die? That’s almost as bad as the radioactive man in Heroes, or the one that melted metal pots into puddles.

00:07:34 – Hmm okay I can already tell that this mutant issue is going to parallel racism.

00:08:42 – Is this Gandalf’s voice I’m hearing?

00:09:07 – It is! A wizard is never late, Mr. Baggins. He arrives precisely when he means to .

00:09:30 – Whoo, Canada! Represent.

00:11:14 – Here’s Hugh Jackman! He has some very intense sideburns. Where are his scissor hands? Isn’t that part of his character?

00:12:42 – This intense UN summit on the TV is definitely going to be the target of some sort of bad guy. “Every important person will be there.”

00:16:24 – Anna Paquin is kind of an awkward actress. Or maybe it’s just her fake Southern accent.

00:19:09 – It seems as though Wolverine can regenerate.

00:20:41 – Halle Berry and James Marsden have appeared. I didn’t know either one of them was in this movie.

00:21:23 – Okay there is a caveman character and Ian McKellan has gone bad.

00:22:50 – Ahhh scary needle scene.

00:25:18 – I guess Patrick Stewart kidnapped Wolverine for a school for mutants.

00:25:53 – Hugh Jackman just made fun of him for being in a wheelchair. Uncool, man.

00:28:50 – Anna Paquin has a cute little love interest that I think was Troy on Veronica Mars.

00:32:50 – Okay Mystique has appeared. I know she gets played by Jennifer Lawrence in other ones. I’m still not sure where James McAvoy is.

00:35:55 – Magneto has a crazy spinning contraption.

00:38:13 – Hmm a love triangle that I don’t care about is emerging.

00:39:57 – Rogue was hovering over his bed like an idiot and now she’s been stabbed by his scissor fingers.

00:40:39 – Why was she wearing an evening gown to bed? She’s an annoying character.

00:41:53 – Okay they seem to have made this senator guy a weird goopy mutant, maybe so he understands what they have to deal with?

00:43:12 – Whoops they killed him by accident.

00:43:59 – Oh just kidding, he’s fine.

00:44:56 – Rogue’s love interest is trying to cut her loose already.

00:48:06 – What is Halle Berry’s superpower?

00:52:43 – You can’t even tell that James Marsden is handsome because he’s always wearing these dumb dumb glasses.

00:53:12 – Okay Halle Berry’s superpower seems to be lightning.

00:56:03 – Magneto’s men seem to be coup-ing him. I think maybe Dr. X is controlling them because their eyes have gone weird.

00:57:18 – He’s slow motion shooting people.

00:57:41 – This Gandalf vs. Dr. X situation is like Gandalf vs. Saruman except this time Gandalf is the Saruman. Trippy!

01:02:27 – Is James McAvoy not in this?

01:03:12 – Ew this guy got given gross superpowers, he literally just turns into a blob.

01:09:32 – I think the first joke in the whole movie was just made and it wasn’t funny.

01:13:02 – So Wolverine can smell when there are people nearby? How many superpowers does he have? I thought he was just invincible and also made of metal.

01:14:42 – They have not made the female X-Men very good at fighting. Good thing Wolverine the man is there to save everyone.

01:16:34 – Is this guy’s superpower that he has a snake tongue?

01:19:55 – These X-Men are all terrible at their jobs, they all got captured. Maybe if they didn’t have such lame powers they could do better things.

01:23:55 – Hugh Jackman is fighting a wolfman on the Statue of Liberty, that’s kind of cool. The other losers are all still tied up.

01:24:46 – I wonder how many people Cyclops accidentally killed before he realized he needed to wear sunglasses all the time.

01:26:24 – Everyone at the UN summit is like “whaaaaat? WHY would someone be trying to attack this group of 200 world leaders that everyone keeps going on about? So shocking.”

01:28:46 – Rogue sucks, she is so boring and whiny.

01:29:57 – It showed Hugh Jackman and the doctor and then a two-second establishing shot of the outside and then them again in the same situation. Why? That was a confusing cinematographic choice.

01:30:51 – His heart belongs to someone else? Is he talking about doctor lady? I HATE this about action movies. They meet for fourteen seconds and have no significant interactions and then they are like “I LOVE YOU FOREVER, OUR LOVE IS SO DEEP.” Like in the stupid Goddamn Matrix.

01:32:47 – Don’t give stupid Rogue your wolverine necklace, Hugh! You need that, you’re Wolverine.

01:34:49 – So basically this whole movie was just a set-up for other movies. Yawn.

Final thoughts:

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It was alright. It had good people in it but I found a lot of it boring. It made me want to watch Heroes again though because they have better powers. Like where were all the flying X-Men (besides Magneto kind of)? Or the teleporting ones? Why would I want to watch James Marsden have laser eyes or Halle Berry catch on fire? Give me some interesting superpowers why don’t you. Also, where was James McAvoy? That was a huge disappointment. Final score: 6/10