What I know about this movie: “You stole my daughter (Shannon from Lost) so now I am going to find you, hunt you down, and kill you.” Something like that. Very angry Liam Neeson.

My impressions:

00:00:01 – Only an hour and a half! Not bad at all.

00:03:45 – His daughter is nice but his ex-wife is a B.

00:04:14 – The stepdad showed him up by buying her a horse. It’s okay though because we know Liam Neeson is going to win in the end by rescuing her from the bad guys.

00:04:48 – She’s just awkwardly riding the horse around in circles in front of her party guests.

00:06:57 – He and his bros are reminiscing about when they were in the army.

00:09:15 – He has to escort this annoying singer to her concert.

00:11:41 – He saved the singer from a random knife attack and now they’re in a VERY silent car.

00:12:09 – I thought that one actor was Boone from Lost for a second and I got so excited for a Boone and Shannon reunion but then it was someone else.

00:14:48 – He doesn’t want her to go to Paris but she’s obviously going to go and that’s when she’s going to get TAKEN.

00:16:56 – His wife is not nice at all.

00:18:10 – Okay he wasn’t in the army, he was a preventer (?)

00:18:47 – I feel like Shannon from Lost’s strategy to look a lot younger than she actually is is to do this weird flailing run.

00:19:23 – She’s following U2 around Europe?? What seventeen year old likes U2?

00:20:30 – He didn’t even tell her the good news about the singer’s business card and now she’s going to get TAKEN.

00:20:54 – Nobody is that enthusiastic when they got off a plane.

00:24:13 – Her friend is peer pressuring her to do all sorts of bad things.

00:24:32 – His wife sucks so much!

00:25:58 – Oh shit her friend just got abducted and she’s probably next! Where’s Sayid when you need him?

00:28:04 – Oh shit she just got TAKEN.

00:28:47 – He has a very particular set of skills.

00:30:09 – I feel like he’s overusing the word taken because it’s the title of the movie. In reality he’d be saying kidnapped or abducted at least some of the time.

00:31:41 – Oh God she’s been abducted by sex traffickers.

00:33:12 – I like how he was wearing preppy dad clothes in the beginning but now that shit’s hit the fan he’s in a leather jacket and all black.

00:37:31 – Oh good, he found this Peter character already! That should help.

00:38:54 – Never mind, Peter is very dead. That was a short lead.

00:39:24 – I hope Liam gets to enjoy the sites of Paris after all this is over.

00:40:30 – He will tear down the Eiffel Tower if he has to!

00:43:12 – He’s having a weird conversation with a sex worker.

00:44:10 – Ahhh, he was bugging the pimp.

00:47:51 – He found his daughter’s jacket but not his daughter.

00:51:27 – There is a lengthy car chase happening.

00:54:04 – He’s having an emotional moment.

00:56:10 – His French friend does not seem down to help him.

00:58:19 – This is so funny that he’s impersonating a French guy but fully keeping his Irish accent, like not even trying to hide it at all.

01:00:44 – This movie isn’t so nice to Albanians.

01:02:11 – Wait so this is the guy who talked to him on the phone and heard him make his big speech and he doesn’t recognize his very specific Liam Neeson accent?

01:03:10 – There are a lot of brunette sex workers who look deceptively like his daughter from the side.

01:03:30 – Uh oh, Amanda is dead. Good thing we aren’t supposed to care about her because she has loose morals.

01:07:06 – Wow, Liam is not showing any remorse to this Marco guy. What a graphic torture scene.

01:09:18 – His old friend is NOT nice! Surprise!

01:09:51 – Liam Neeson shot the guy’s wife! So rude, she didn’t do anything wrong!

01:10:15 – How is he possibly going to be able to go back to the States all fine at the end of this after all these shootings and murders?

01:13:52 – Gross, they are auctioning girls off a stage. I hope at the end of this movie there’s some sort of resolution for all these sex workers and not just his daughter.

01:15:55 – Uh oh Liam has now been taken also.

01:17:13 – Oh good, he’s beating them all up as per use.

01:19:55 – He is just beating up so many people, it’s a good thing he doesn’t need sleep ever.

01:21:48 – With a lot of people he attacks I can’t tell if he’s breaking their necks or just knocking them out. I hope the latter or else his death toll is gonna be HUGE.

01:22:36 – They should remake this movie but where the dad is like a dentist, and his special skillset involves pulling out people’s teeth and strangling them with flaws. Taken 4: Tooth or Dare.

01:24:51 – Okay he definitely killed that guy.

01:26:41 – Okay he rescued the daughter but I guess nothing is being done to help the other girls. But the goal that REALLY mattered got accomplished, which is that Liam Neeson’s ex-wife respects him now. Who cares about extraneous characters right?

Final thoughts:

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It’s a good thing the internet has an endless store of ambivalence-themed gifs. This movie was fine, I liked the short length and the fancy European setting. It was nothing special and it elicited no emotional response from me but sometimes that’s what I want. Final score: 7/10